Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
