he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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