Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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