I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
