Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
