U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
