you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
