How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Hippo gnu deer
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
