You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's not a walk of shame if you run
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
