Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
