He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
