I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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