I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
