I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
