God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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