He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
