I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
