Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
