Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
