Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Semen is not good for contacts.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
