I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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