if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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