Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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