Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
