oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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