Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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