nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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