Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
