Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
