That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
