I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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