I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
well most of my day revolves around power hour
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
