if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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