hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
