You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
