I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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