I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The uberlube is also flammable
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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