just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
