My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
