So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
