There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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