I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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