boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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