I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
