My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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