alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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