I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize