Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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