FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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