I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Randomize
