I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
