uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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