My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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