dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
not ubering you a puppy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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