So drunk, too bad you don't want this
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
