You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
